Perfect
by hkashley
Summary: The BAU has noticed Spencer on a downward spiral ever since Maeve's death, but they never though it would go this far.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Spencer sat alone in his apartment, letting the grief swallow him whole. Why did these things always happen to him? There was the whole thing with Tobias Hankel, getting anthrax, and now losing the love of his life. Remembering Tobias Hankel, he stood and walked to the bathroom where he opened the medicine cabinet. He stood for a moment, staring at the vial of Dilaudid in his hand. Tears started to form in his eyes. More and more every moment. He set the vial down, tears sliding down his face. He quickly took the drug again, for the first time in years. His phone rang, and without even looking he knew it was Garcia. He still pulled it out. He realized it had been almost 2 weeks and he hadn't returned a single call. So he answered.

"Hello?" he whispered.

"Reid, oh my god. Are you okay?" She said, surprised he answered. At first she kept hope in him answering, but by now she only called every hour to let him know she cared.

"No." He cried into the phone. "I'm not okay. Garcia... Can you come over?"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

As soon as he hung up with Garcia, he grabbed a bottle of painkillers and swallowed the whole thing. It was time for him to finally be with Maeve. He laid down and watched the world around him fade into nothing.

* * *

Garcia arrived at Reid's apartment building, and noticed his door was slightly cracked. She poked her head in and yelled, "Reid?"

No answer. She walked in and saw Reid's unconscious body laying on his bed. She ran towards him and felt his pulse. It was barely there.

She pulled out her phone and dialed 911.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"M-my friend... Just tried to k-k-kill himself. There's b-barely a pulse. Send an ambulance. Please! You have to help him!" she yelled, barely being able to speak she was crying so much. Her phone rang.

It was Morgan.

"Morgan. Gather the team and meet me at Reid's apartment." she whispered.

"Babygirl what's wrong? Did something happen to Reid?"

"He tried to kill himself." she said and closed her phone.

* * *

Minutes later, the ambulance had come and was now rushing Spencer to the hospital. But Garcia hadn't moved from next to his bed. She was on the floor in tears when the team arrived.

"Garcia?" Morgan yelled once the team arrived.

"In here." She muttered. The team entered the room, where it was made obvious Morgan hadn't told them what happened. They were barely affected.

"Garcia, what happened? Where's Reid?" Hotch asked.

"H-he tried to kill himself." she said quietly, still finding it quite difficult to speak. The room went silent. JJ sat down next to Penelope, and buried her face in her hands.

"This can't be happening." JJ cried.

"We need to get to the hospital." Hotch said and quickly left the room. Everyone heard the pain in his voice, just as everyone could see the pain in his eyes.

"He's right. Lets go." Morgan said, offering a hand to Garcia, then to JJ.

* * *

JJ paced back and forth in the hospital hallway. The doctors wouldn't allow anyone but family to visit, as he wasn't yet awake.

"They do realize we ARE his family right?" JJ said, still crying.

Morgan looked up. "Guys, nobody called Reid's mom." They all turned to him and nodded.

Hotch quickly replied, "I'll get it." With that, he walked off.

* * *

"Yes, can I please speak with Diana Reid?" Hotch asked to the lady on the other end.

"And who is this?" she asked.

"This is Agent Aaron Hotchner, please just let me speak to her. It's urgent." he said politely.

She connected them and once Diana picked up the phone she said, "Agent Hotchner? From Spencer's team?"

"Yes ma'am." he said calmly.

"Did something happen?" she asked.

"Yes ma'am. Spencer just attempted suicide." he replied.

There was a long moment of silence, before she simply hung up.

* * *

A nurse walked out of Spencer's room and asked, "Is one of you a Penelope Garcia?" she asked. Garcia stood up, and the nurse smiled. "He's asking for you."

Garcia quickly walked in and almost teared up seeing him attached to all of the hospital equipment. "Reid, I'm so glad you're okay."

"Please sit. I have to explain." he whispered, eyes still closed.

"No, Reid, you don't." she said, but sat anyways.

"I want to." he replied. "Before I met Maeve, I was struggling with extreme depression." He began, as tears formed in Garcia's eyes. "I was cutting, and it was bad." he turned his arm over to show her old scars, but she couldn't help but to notice the very fresh wounds as well. "But I was also a bulimic anorexic. I wouldn't eat for days and when I did, I purged." By now he had opened his eyes and was looking directly into Garcia's eyes. He had a look of both pain and fear in his eyes.

"You can stop if you want-" she started to say.

"No. This has to be said." he continued. "But Maeve made it all okay. When I had her, I was okay. I was good for the first time in a very long time. But then, after... You know. It all came back. But worse. A-and I took Dilaudid again."

"Sh, sh. It's okay Reid. It's okay." she squeezed his hand tightly. "It's all going to be okay." she whispered, and she wasn't quite sure if she was talking to Reid or herself.

* * *

Sorry the first chapter was so short! Please review !


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Garcia, I'm sorry but I really need some rest." Spencer said. Garcia had sat with him in silence for over an hour now, crying slightly.

"Okay, I'm going." She said and stood. As she was about to open the door, she turned and said. "I am so happy you're okay."

"Thank you." he said, with just a slight smile.

She went out and sat down next to JJ and the tears just started pouring out. "My baby has been suffering for so long and he never told me."

Morgan put a hand on her shoulder and crouched down. "Babygirl, look at me. It's okay. We can help him now. That's all that matters right now."

But still, the tears poured out for hours.

* * *

The whole team ended up staying the night at the hospital. Spencer did wake in the middle of the night, and as the nurse walked out to announce a request it was one nobody expected.

"He's requesting a Maeve Donavon." she informed them, but was confused when nobody stood.

"Maeve Donavon was murdered two weeks ago." JJ quietly informed her. The nurse simply nodded and went back into the room.

* * *

Spencer looked up, instantly knowing he was dreaming. He stood in a bookstore when he heard her voice.

"It wasn't you fault, you know." Maeve said with a smile. "Stop blaming yourself. There's nothing you could've done."

"I could've been there sooner." He replied in a whisper.

Maeve shook her head. "Stop that. This is Diane's fault, not yours."

He smiled slightly and said "I really would like to believe that."

Maeve just smiled back, before slowly fading away.

* * *

The nurse was taking his vitals early in the morning when he uttered, "Could you bring me JJ?" At first she thought he was talking in his sleep until he opened his eyes and gave her a small half smile. She nodded and walked out.

"He's asking for a 'JJ'." She said and walked off. JJ got up and headed into his room.

"Hey Spence." she said.

"JJ, I am so sorry..." he whispered.

"Spence, don't be. It's okay." she told him. "I'm sorry nobody noticed how bad you were getting. "

"Did Garcia tell you?" he asked, hoping he wouldn't have to go through it again.

"Just the basics." she answered. "Spencer, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. Please don't feel bad." he said.

She put her hand on his and whispered, "I am so glad you're alive, Spence."

* * *

"Garcia?" JJ said when she found Penelope sitting alone outside the hospital.

"Yeah." Penelope replied quietly.

"What exactly did Reid tell you last night?" JJ asked.

"He told me why he did it. Did you know Reid has been suffering from depression for a really long time? JJ, he's been slitting his wrists... And nobody knew. How could we not have seen the signs?" She said, starting to cry again. "He has an eating disorder too. How could he not have told us?"

JJ was in shock. She never would've guessed Reid had starved himself. She had no idea he cut his wrists.

"Why do these things always happen to Reid, of all people?" JJ said, "He's so vulnerable and just everything's been thrown his way. I mean, his childhood, Tobias Hankle, and everything else and now the one thing that helps keep him cope is ripped away." She wiped her eyes and looked at Garcia, "Of all people, this had to happen to Reid."

* * *

Please review!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Garcia? You got a minute?" Hitch asked her while she sat in her office.

"Always, sir." She replied.

"I need to to track down Gideon."

She swiveled around in her chair and stood up. "Gideon wouldn't want me to do that. Plus Gideon wouldn't leave a paper trail."

"Garcia, I don't care what it takes. He needs to know about this. Reid was just as much his family as us."

* * *

About a week later Garcia finally tracked him down. She picked up the phone and dialed in the number.

"Hello?" He answered on the second ring.

"Jason Gideon?" she asked hopefully.

"Yes, who is this?"

"This is Penelope Garcia. I know you told us not to track you down but we have very important news that you will want to hear."

"And that is?"

"Agent Reid, you remember him right?"

"Of course. And it's Doctor." he said. It took him a moment but he then said "Something bad happened to Spencer."

"Yes sit. Spencer attempted suicide last week."

He took a long moment to process the news but finally asked, "Can I visit him?"

"Of course."

And then he hung up.

* * *

"Hotch. I found Gideon. I called and told him."

"Thank you, Garcia. He needed to know." Hotch replied.

"There's more. He's coming to visit Spencer."

Hotch looked up and nodded. "Good."

* * *

A few days later, after another call from Gideon, Garcia stood outside the hospital waiting for him.

"You have not changed a bit." she turned and saw Gideon standing behind her.

She smiled. "I know. Come on."

They went up to Reid's room, where they saw him reading.

"Wait, before I go in, can I ask something?" Gideon said.

"Yeah. What?" Garcia said, looking at him.

"Why now? After everything he's been through, why now?"

Garcia has forgotten to tell him about Maeve. "Uh, it's a long story."

"I have to know, Penelope." Gideon said.

Garcia sighed and motioned to the chair. "Sit down. This story gets real sad." Garcia told him the whole story of Maeve and Spencer and Diane.

"I'm ready."

Garcia poked her head in. "Hey Reid. Someone's here to see you." Garcia opened the door all the way and Gideon walked in.

* * *

reviews would be greatly appriciated


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Gideon... You came." Reid said.

"Of course I did." He replied.

"How did you know?" Spencer asked.

"Garcia tracked me down."

"Thank you, Garcia."

"Of course." Penelope replied with a smile.

"She also told me about your friend... I'm so sorry, Reid." Gideon said.

"Maeve was more than just a friend, Gideon." He replied.

"I know. My mistake." Gideon could see the tears forming in Reid's eyes. "We don't have to talk about her if you don't want to."

Reid buried his head in his hands. "Maeve. She took all the pain away. When I was with her, nothing mattered... Everything was okay..." He forced a smile. "But now, nothing is okay."

"It's okay, Reid." Gideon replied.

"No! It's not! Maeve is gone and I'm still here. Me for her was the deal. I should be the one that died that night. Me for her."

"Reid... I'm so sorry."

"I should have kissed Diane better. I should have tried harder to pretend that I loved her. It's my fault Maeve died that night. This is all my fault."

"Spencer, this is not your fault. Diane did this."

"But if I had tried a little harder, Maeve might be here now."

"This isn't your fault Reid."

"Yes, it is. Stop lying to me." Reid replied.

* * *

Sorry this is short. School just started, so I won't have much time to write but I will update as soon as possible.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"Reid, are you sure you're ready for this?" Garcia asked as she dropped him off at his apartment. He had just been discharged from the hospital a few days ago, and had stayed with Morgan for the first three days.

"Yes, Garcia. Don't worry about me." he said with a small smile.

"You know that'll never happen!" she laughed as he exited the car.

* * *

It had only been 4 hours since Garcia dropped him off. As he had entered the apartment, he noticed the newspaper on the table from weeks ago.

Maeve's story on the front page.

He broke down in tears and quickly ran to the bathroom, where he grabbed the vial of Dilaudid. He picked up the syringe and carefully injected himself with the drug. He sat for a long while, the vial still in his hand, when his phone's ring broke the silence.

It was Gideon.

"Hello?"

"Reid? Are you crying?"

Reid tried his best to hide it. "No, I'm fine."

"Reid, I can hear it in your voice."

"I'm fine, Gideon."

"I'm coming over now. You aren't fine."

And he did. He showed up just minutes later, pushing his way in once Spencer opened the door. He immediately went to the bathroom, where he found exactly what he was afraid of. The vial of Dilaudid on the counter.

"You're using again." he whispered to Spencer, who had followed behind him.

All Reid could do was nod. Gideon walked out of the bathroom and turned to Reid. "Why?" he asked.

"Because. Why do you think?"

"I'm here for you, Reid." Gideon replied, putting his hand on Reid's shoulder. "You know that, right?"

Reid stepped away. "No, Gideon. I don't. You haven't been here for me in years!"

"But I'm here now."

"Where were you when I needed you before? When I was depressed? Where were you when I was starving myself and cutting? You weren't there for me Gideon. You ran away! You can't expect me to trust you after that!" Reid yelled. "You weren't there then, so just save yourself and get out now."

"Reid-" he started.

"Gideon, get out!"

* * *

Sorry this took a while! Please review!


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